THE ART OF BEING - an experience that changed my life, by Gizelle Rush

I once read of a study of supposedly "life changing" events - people who had either won the lottery or suffered a severe, disabling injury were questioned, as were their friends and families. What the study uncovered was that within a year of the event, the winners, or victims, ended up pretty much where they had been before - maybe the practical or outward aspects were different, but their feelings about themselves and about life were back to where they had always been. Those with sunny, cheerful dispositions were no happier for having won the lottery, nor any less happy for being wheelchair-bound. And those who had always been cynical, or pessimistic, remained that way whether they had lost a leg or won a fortune.

The study relieved me, in an odd way. At least now I could give up waiting for that "one thing" - some dramatic change in my circumstances that would enable me to feel better about myself. During almost all my adult life I had suffered from depression, often severe enough that I required medication, but seldom so severe that I was unable to hide it, or unable to cope with my life. The study seemed to suggest that my level of inner contentment was something set into my personality or my brain chemistry - that there was nothing that could really alter it. I might as well just accept that this was the way I was, and learn to live with it. As I said - an odd kind of relief: the pressure was off as I could give up trying to "fix" myself, but at the same time there was a sadness that I was just doomed to live my life in this half-hearted way; surely there had to be more to being alive and human?

Around the same time, a friend of mine started doing a course. At that time I had a client in the area, so once I week I would visit her and we would sit and drink tea and she would tell me about all the things she was learning - about the four temperaments and the four elements, for example; things I had heard of and found fascinating, in the same way that I had a somewhat sceptical interest in astrology. She would also show me some of the creative work she produced - a life size full-body portrait in pastels, a wonderful mobile of origami cranes… She had always been artistic, a painter and a craft-oriented person with a wonderful eye for colour and detail, something I envied - I had often wished I could awaken my own creativity and artistry. At some point during the year I vaguely decided that I would try to do the course myself; it seemed like a wonderful opportunity to learn some interesting things and encourage my own artistic expression.

In September my friend invited me to come to a play put on by her group - during that term they had been working with drama, which I took to be just another form of creativity. But the experience was a bit of a shock for me - the "play" was a shambles, unscripted, and no costumes! My friend, who is gifted with a beautiful voice in addition to her other talents, sang a song written by another member of the group; some of the scenes appeared to be in the wrong order, the story didn't make much sense, none of it met my expectations of what a "play" should be. Still, it shouldn't have been as unsettling an experience as it was - I couldn't understand why I had reacted with such discomfort, nor could I understand why it had turned my vague decision into a commitment. Shortly afterwards, I met with Karen (Rootenberg, the course facilitator) to arrange to participate the following year.

One of the very first modules covered in the course was about the three-fold nature of the human being. There was the realm of knowledge, of thinking and learning - a realm I was comfortable in, as I had always found information of pretty much any kind to be fascinating, and had accumulated quite a store of it already. I had known the course would include this, and that I would get to study some new fields - some challenging, some esoteric. But there was the realm of doing and of acting, of creating and manifesting – and it was this aspect of the course which I knew would be difficult for me. One of the things I struggled with in my depression was "doing" as it often seemed pointless to do anything. And I was scared to reveal and express myself through words or colours or movement. But I was looking forward to developing this aspect of myself.

And then there was the realm of feeling. Here, at last, I discovered the missing link, not just in my expectations of what the course would be about, but in life. This was a realm I had managed to completely cut myself off from - which is not to say that I never had feelings or emotions, just that I had no idea how to work with them. I consistently avoided uncomfortable feelings, or at least, I tried my best to do this - and undermined the pleasant ones, by feeling guilty or undeserving or simply anxious in the knowledge that they wouldn't last.

During the course, each module incorporated working within all three realms. There would be the theoretical information, and the creative activity - but most of all, there would be the process of uncovering my feelings. So I learned about the four elements (earth, water, air and fire) and their symbolic meanings - but the real learning was taking the information and incorporating it in a way that helped me understand my own nature. And I worked on my body-map, a life-size self portrait - but the real work was facing my own fears and feelings of inadequacy.

Each term we explored different topics and themes - temperaments, the twelve senses, our biographies; and we practiced different types of creative expression - art, poetry, movement, clay sculpture, drama. And each term I struggled with my own emotional nature. Through my inability to complete an artwork - always leaving empty spaces on my pictures - I discovered something about the emptiness in my life. Through my need to turn our own play into something clear and concise, I experienced my "control freak" aspect. Over the course of the year I encountered my inner critic, my lonely inner child, and the barriers I had developed to keep others at bay.

Of course, I "knew" all this stuff already - there was nothing I encountered during the course that wasn't part of my life as a whole anyway. I had flashes of insight (Ah! The reason I struggle with friendships is that we moved around so much when I was a child, I never learned how to sustain relationships outside my family!), but outside of the theoretical information, which I could have read up for myself, I can't say I "learned" anything new. I already knew that I was lonely, that my life felt empty, and that the constant little voice in my head - criticising and complaining - paralysed me and kept me from pursuing my dreams.

But what I discovered was a way, not to "fix" myself, but to allow myself to accept these aspects of myself, to face them and acknowledge them, and through this to become more whole and authentic. With Karen's loving guidance, her amazing ability to create and hold a space where I could go deeply into my previously rejected feelings, and with the presence of the other members of the group, who reflected myself to me so I could see myself more honestly, and whose courage and expression of their own feelings was a constant revelation, I was able to begin to integrate so many parts of myself that I had - unconsciously - rejected: both the negatives, like my need to control things, and the positives, like my originality.

It came as quite a shock to me when, towards the end of the year, I realised I had not gone through a single episode of depression. Yes, there were many nights when I went home and cried, feeling lost and frustrated and hopeless; there were many nights when I went home angry, furious at some other member of the group who had pushed my buttons; there were many times I considered just giving up - wasn't this just going to be another pointless exercise in trying to change myself that would leave me no better off than I had been before?

The thing is - it wasn't. I have had to face quite a few challenges in my life since then - I've lost a job, I've had to move house, I've had some health problems - but not once have I sunk into that black pit, once so familiar, of self-loathing and self-pity. Instead, I have discovered a new capacity to meet these challenges of my life, not without fear or tears or anger, from time to time, but with a sense that my life has purpose and that I can therefore cope with being challenged, and occasionally, even encounter these challenges with a sense of joy for the continued learning they bring me. It sounds so clichéd - and I hate clichés! - but the so-called problems really are just opportunities!

How can a year-long course, four terms of exploring myself, have had such a huge impact on me, when winning a million rand or going blind would have changed me less? I think it has to do, firstly, with the length of time: a change in job might shift some outer aspects, a weekend long course might provide some insights - but over the course of year I had time to really transform aspects of myself on a deep, subtle and pervasive level. I had time - and a safe space - in which to experiment with other ways of being, to see what would happen if I did allow myself to express my anger, my fear, and my grief. Secondly, by committing to the course - two evenings a week during school terms, for an entire year - I had made a commitment to myself, and honoured it by giving myself the gift of time. Another reason the course affected me so profoundly was the realisation that I could not fix myself, that I wasn't trying to change myself and shouldn't be. Instead of waiting for something to come to me from outside (some lightning strike or lottery win), I have embraced the idea that my entire life can be a process of self-discovery and growth towards wholeness and authenticity. I don't have to be perfect now - I can just experience the joy of coming ever closer to my own truth and uniqueness, the joy of seeing life as the continual task of learning the art of being myself.

An Encounter with the Double - Part One

I was in Canada in January, and was alone one night in the house of my friend. As those of you who are familiar with Canada know, it is actually a very safe place, and completely unexceptional that my friend had not locked her house - but I felt nervous. Maybe this was a residual “South African neurosis”?

I settled down to read but I kept on feeling that there was someone in the house, and started to feel fearful, though I wasn’t sure of what! As I observed myself, I began to realise that the fear was of myself - I was encountering what Rudolf Steiner refers to as “the Double” - a part of myself made up of unsolved karmic remnants. It was uncanny to experience myself behaving in a certain way, to see a part of myself which I have known for some time but never been able to observe clearly before, and to realise that what I was frightened of was my own Double!

The Double often appears as a being that one doesn’t like or feels ashamed of. This can also be called “the Shadow”, but “the Double” refers specifically to unworked through karmic remnants. These reveal themselves as karmic disorders and escape “beings”. We can recognize Doubles as ‘avoidance beings’, ‘compensation beings’, ‘cover up beings’ etc.

The aim of working with the Double is to take on as a learning task the transformation of all the untransformed and undigested karmic remnants we can find in ourselves. Today in almost every person there are compulsive complexes and behaviour patterns of many kinds that hinder and threaten our moral human development. In this work of uncovering the double we require strength, courage and clear discernment in order to acquire understanding. It is crucial that self knowledge becomes a daily practice.

In the moment when we start to transform our Doubles, they immediately show greater resistances. But these resistances lead to the development of new faculties and abilities. The Double who appeared to me in Canada is now clearly visible to me and I am able to deal with it lovingly and firmly. It is not totally transformed but I experience a greater feeling of ease and strength in myself.

If you have any questions about the Double, or a response you'd like to share, please email me.

A representation of the double drawn by Rudolf Steiner

An Encounter with the Double - Part Two

(Scroll up or click here for Part One)

Some people have asked me, what is the difference between the shadow and the double? I think the Double brings in the element of karma and destiny. In other words we bring this unresolved part of us from other lifetimes. So I understand the Double as being an entity which almost has a separate existence - the shadow feels as if it is part of one, but the Double can feel like another person/s inside oneself

The shadow seems to have characteristics which the double reacts to, and tries to hide.
For example I may have jealousy as a shadow aspect but the double will find a way to take revenge or play out a drama in which the jealousy is covered over. The double finds ways to cover up, hide away, obscure and deceive. It might be vindictive or spiteful to the person who is causing the jealousy, for example, and so enact the shadow in another way.

Another example is addictive behaviour. If one is addicted to a substance and ashamed of this addiction, the shadow aspect would be shame. The double would be the part which tries to cover up the shame, and deceive both oneself and others as to the nature of the addiction. This double will lie, steal, deceive, skulk around, hide and so on to perpetuate the addiction. When one begins to observe the double one begins to experience that it has its own energy and often one is amazed, even shocked, that the person enacting this deceptive behaviour is oneself.

An interesting story which deals with the Double is the story of Rumpelstilskin (if you aren't familiar with this story, you can read the original version by the Brothers Grimm here). This is a story for our time as materialism (the desire for money, security and safety rather than the power of the Spirit) shows itself in a very graphic way.

In the story we have a poor miller who wants to be more than he is. He comes to a King who himself is greedy and offers him a deception, saying he has a daughter who can spin straw into gold. And so the deal begins.

The desire to be important and appear significant in ones own or in someone else’s opinion is a step away from our authenticity, so is often here that the double has an entry point. Often the double finds another who serves his purposes and the doubles collude - as with the King, who has his own greedy desires - and the two doubles serve one another. This can be so in relationships where co-dependency occurs and two people agree to serve the desires of the other.

The daughter is the symbol of the young naive soul who in this case is “trapped” into a deal which she is then forced to be part of. One could say that the daughter is a victim - in fact, she does have a choice but she feels powerless - and here is another entry point for the double. As soon as one says, “I was a victim of circumstance” one is denying responsibility. She chooses, not once but twice to accept the help of the little man - just as if we have entered into a “pact with the Devil/Double” he comes again and again.

One could say that she has an excuse, in that her life is at stake. And yes, this is true - if one lives in a materialistic world then one puts a materialistic value on ones life. But what he is after is her soul which is her life force, and therefore, from the point of view of the spirit, far more important. This is really what the Double wants. He even says to her, when she says that she has nothing more to give, that “something alive is dearer to me than all the treasures in the world.” So he will get what he wants – the soul of the child.

The double forces us into compromise and once we have compromised our souls we have betrayed our souls which is our source of gold, our true source of wealth. We all know how in that moment (or the moments afterwards) when we have gone against our integrity in order to serve our desires or neuroses or fears, when we continue to make bad choices, we find it very difficult to return to the point of integrity. We become more and more deceiving and so the Double wins - the energy of the Double takes over our life. The story tells us that the way to redemption is to have power over the Double. And this means we have to name what it is.

This sounds very simple but in actual fact the egotism which lives so strongly in us militates against being truthful. We want to appear good in our own eyes and in the eyes of other people so we stay trapped in self-deception. This becomes more and more subtle as one develops on the spiritual path - spirituality itself can be the grossest form of egotism. And if I do not transform my Double then I take it with me into my next lifetime – but this time it has assumed a greater disproportion in my being. The capacity for wrongdoing becomes even greater because I have lost connection with my soul, my truth, my integrity. But, as in the story, when we name something we have power over it. When I name my greed, my fear, my desire, my need for importance or image, or whatever it is, it no longer has power over me.

Aspects Of The Double: Pride

As described in The Double: Part 2, the double seeks to cover over our shadow aspects. I gave the example of jealousy, where the double obscures the feeling by being spiteful or vindictive towards the person causing the jealousy, and so denies us the possibility of dealing with the truth of the experience.

This dynamic is often played out with pride as well. Pride can be understood as an urge for distinction, and so can often become a shadow aspect, when a part of us becomes inflated with its own importance. It is a slippery character, not easily seen or banished from oneself no matter how one tries to deny its existence. And the irony is that one can become as puffed up with one’s self-flagellation and self-sacrifice as with one’s spiritual or material accomplishments. In other words one can recognize one’s pathology and feel bad, guilty and shameful whilst not ever doing anything about it. This carries a horrible kind of pride!

One can become proud of one’s ability to say profound or witty things, even enjoying the sound of one’s own voice; one can be equally prideful in maintaining silence or supposedly encouraging others to speak. As I am sure you can see, this is something we all have to deal with!

The double enters in when this part of us becomes split off, and seems directly connected to the degree to which we feel dishonoured or unloved by others. As Robert Bly says, “Every part of our personality that we do not love becomes hostile to us.” This is the double. And if we do not own our lack of self-love and urge for distinction, we can project this onto another, thus showing them hostility. Hence if someone has hurt my pride in some way I will show them hostility rather than looking at the part of myself which is not honoured or loved. We are in fact saying , “How dare you say or do this to me, the great me?!”

How do we integrate pride into the kingdom rather than trying to banish it?

It would appear that by staying connected in relationship we can deal with our pride - in other words, when we are genuinely engaged with others, we do not have the same experience of pride. As we honour relationship rather than separation we begin to harness our pride. This is difficult for those who have not developed a strong individuality, as they fear losing themselves in the other or others, and difficult for those whose sense of self-importance is so strong that they cannot overcome their urge for distinction. This points to a weak sense of self worth.

As we give service to the “true” feminine, and come into a sense of true selfhood we recognize that becoming an individual means strengthening oneself without losing a sense of connection with others. It is not either or. But as we consistently see, it is taking responsibility for our inner difficulties that allows us to forgive both ourselves and others. If we refuse to do this we stay stuck in the mire of pride.

Aspects Of The Double: Fear and Love

I remember when I was in high school I fell in love with a boy. We were putting on a play and I was playing the lead part. I was told how brilliant I was. But my whole world was in tatters because he loved another and only had eyes for her. In those moments doubt, fear and loathing were born and the double began to laugh. I think I know now that my wrestle with my Angel began then.

At the end of these articles I begin to think that the Angel and the Double are really one. I begin to know that when we live as if we are departing the Double wins but when we live courageously because we turn around to face the Open, the Angel steps forward to embrace us. In both places we meet both love and fear.

What has love got to do with fear? Everything it would appear. There is a poem by David Whyte which says:

When we are faced with the fear of being who we really are in the face of the world of conformity, of rejection, of pride, of anger, or being forsaken and betrayed - and all those things which make us know who we really are, what do we do?

At a recent conference a wonderful woman who is a Priest spoke about her understanding of Jacob wrestling with his Angel. He was forcing the Angel to give him a gift. When we wrestle we are embracing! Love and fear are so closely connected. But I know now that when I live as if I am departing the Double wins and when I step forward courageously to meet the Open I am met by the Angel and embraced.

The Ubiquitous Matrix of Lies

Charles Eisenstein explores the crisis of language today, in which words seem to mean less and less, and how to begin to recover the world-creating power of word.

(full article available here)

"Increasingly, words don't mean anything. In politics, campaigning candidates make statements that flatly contradict their actions and policies, and no one seems to object or even care. It is not the routine dissembling of political figures that is striking, but rather our near-complete indifference to it. We are as well almost completely inured to the vacuity of advertising copy, the words of which increasingly mean nothing at all to the reader. Does anyone really believe that GE "brings good things to life?" Or that a housing development I passed today - "Walnut Crossing" - actually has any walnut trees or crossings? From brand names to PR slogans to political code-words, the language of the media that inundates modern life consists almost wholly of subtle lies, misdirection, and manipulation.

We live in a ubiquitous matrix of lies, a sea of mendacity so pervasive that it is nearly invisible. Because we are lied to all the time, in ways so subtle they are beneath conscious notice, even the most direct lies are losing their power to shock us.

...

As we acclimate ourselves to a ubiquitous matrix of lies, words mean less and less to us, and we don't believe anything any more. As well we shouldn't! We are facing a crisis of language that underlies and mirrors all the other converging crises of the modern age. Just as a growing profusion of material and social technology has failed to bring about the promised Utopia of leisure, health, and justice, so has the profusion of words and media failed to bring about better communication. Instead, the opposite has happened.

...

We might say that the crisis of our civilization comes down to a crisis of language, in which words have seemingly lost their ability to create. We have all the technology and all the knowledge we need to live in beautiful harmony with each other and the planet. What we need is different collective choices. Choices arise from perceptions, perceptions arise from interpretations or stories, and stories are built of words, of symbols. Today, words have lost their power and our society's stories have seemingly taken on a life of their own, propelling us toward an end that no sane person would choose and that we seem helpless to resist. And helpless we are, when all we have are impotent words.

...

The power of the word, like all magical powers, will turn against us or wither and die if not renewed by frequent reconnection to its source.

...the opposite of arrogance is humility, and to be humble is to constantly open to new truth from the outside, from the real world and not one's interpretation of it. That is the only thing that can keep us honest."

Karen has posed three questions, and you might find it valuable to work with them in your journaling:

"What I would like is for each person to take one day and watch the quality and content of their speaking. This brings it to the individual which in my opinion is where change happens."

1. What does the content of your speech mainly consist of?
2. How often do you find yourself being inauthentic or lying or saying half-truths?
3. Does your speaking have ulterior motives e.g. to please or to control?